Monday, April 13, 2009

run, valencia, run.

I love the sound my sneakers make as they rhythmically slap the pavement or the rubber on a treadmill. I count them out in fours and concentrate on breathing in and out on every second step. 1, 2, 3, 4 in out in out. It's my own personal brand of meditation. I am no good at traditional meditation because I don't like the idea of sitting still in any one place for too long. I am too restless for that; I like to move. This reminds me of some of my favorite lyrics:
Traveling I only stop at exits/ Wondering if I'll stay young and restless/ Living this way I stress less / I want to pull away when the dream dies / pain sets in and I don't cry / I only feel gravity and I wonder why
Concentrating on my breathing and my running helps me focus my thoughts. It's like all my thoughts are floating in my mind like loose pieces of paper in the wind and when I run I get to organize all of them into neat little piles. It's also the best stress relief I have found yet. I've tried drinking, smoking, sleeping, eating and nothing makes me feel more at ease than being able to RUN. The endorphins kick in and I feel like I am flying. There is also power in running. I like knowing that I could easily outrun most of my friends. I like knowing I have that ability and that it's a physical activity that I am actually good at. I am not blessed with perfect balance. I am not blessed with hand eye co-ordination. I cannot catch a frisbee. Or throw one for that matter. But I can run a mile without breaking a sweat. I can run for 2 miles and not have to slow down to a walk to catch my breath. And it feels so good. Today I was on the treadmill and I paced myself against the girl running next to me. We set ours at the same pace and I was determined to stay running for at least as long as she did, if not longer. At some unspoken signal we both slowed ours to a walk at the same time. We looked over at each other and our eyes met- "good run" they said. This type of unspoken comraderie is so rare for me that I apprecaited it, even if it only lasted a moment and was with a perfect stranger.
I am dedicating tomorrow to a different physical activity: flying down the mountain on my snowboard. Snowboarding is one of the few sports that I picked up all by myself. It's something that I enjoy and am actually decent at and have dedicated lots of time, money, and energy into. I got my board freshly waxed and am ready to test it out. The last powder day was amazing but also a little frustrating because my board was slow on the flat parts since I haven't had my board waxed in over a season. Now it's so smooth and... perfect! The mountian is my turkey and I'm going to carve that bitch up!
I think I'll still go running at night with "BB." I've become a junkie.

insomnia speaks

"When the mystery of the connection goes, love goes. It's that simple. This suggests that it isn't love that is so important to us but the mystery itself. The love connection may be merely a device to put us in contact with the mystery, and we long for love to last so that the ecstasy of being near the mystery will last. It is contrary to the nature of mystery to stand still. Yet it's always there, somewhere, a world on the other side of the mirror, a promise in the next pair of eyes that smile at us. We glance it when we stand still."

I have been contemplating these words for the last couple weeks trying to decide whether or not I agree with his sentiments or not. I have decided that I do agree, to an extent. There is a mystery or an allure that one feels in the beginning of a relationship or when you first meet someone. You want to know more about them, you think about them constantly, and you dream about the next time you will see them just so you can see if they are as cute/clever/crazy as you remember or think they are. But I also think that when the mystery of the connection is gone, that doesn't necessarily mean that the loves goes with it. There is something so perfect about thinking you know all there is to know about a person only to have them do something that completely surprises you. There is also something so perfect about having someone reliable enough in your life that you know they will be there for you (lack of mystery). And although some may chase that mystery and enjoy the time when you are agonizing over every text, letter, look, word, mixed message, I think that a deeper and more meaningful love can be created after the mystery is gone and you love a person just for simply being themselves.

Just to be clear, I have no tips on how to make love stay. I also have no clear definition of what love is. It is something that defies definition and is far too subjective to be pinned down.

I wonder why it is so hard for me to sleep.. no matter how many things I try to cram into one day, no matter how many miles I run or books I read or rooms I clean, more often than not I find myself at this time of night, staring at my computer screen. It is my fervent hope that putting my jumbled thoughts to words will help me clear my mind so that I can finally get some rest.