Monday, April 13, 2009

insomnia speaks

"When the mystery of the connection goes, love goes. It's that simple. This suggests that it isn't love that is so important to us but the mystery itself. The love connection may be merely a device to put us in contact with the mystery, and we long for love to last so that the ecstasy of being near the mystery will last. It is contrary to the nature of mystery to stand still. Yet it's always there, somewhere, a world on the other side of the mirror, a promise in the next pair of eyes that smile at us. We glance it when we stand still."

I have been contemplating these words for the last couple weeks trying to decide whether or not I agree with his sentiments or not. I have decided that I do agree, to an extent. There is a mystery or an allure that one feels in the beginning of a relationship or when you first meet someone. You want to know more about them, you think about them constantly, and you dream about the next time you will see them just so you can see if they are as cute/clever/crazy as you remember or think they are. But I also think that when the mystery of the connection is gone, that doesn't necessarily mean that the loves goes with it. There is something so perfect about thinking you know all there is to know about a person only to have them do something that completely surprises you. There is also something so perfect about having someone reliable enough in your life that you know they will be there for you (lack of mystery). And although some may chase that mystery and enjoy the time when you are agonizing over every text, letter, look, word, mixed message, I think that a deeper and more meaningful love can be created after the mystery is gone and you love a person just for simply being themselves.

Just to be clear, I have no tips on how to make love stay. I also have no clear definition of what love is. It is something that defies definition and is far too subjective to be pinned down.

I wonder why it is so hard for me to sleep.. no matter how many things I try to cram into one day, no matter how many miles I run or books I read or rooms I clean, more often than not I find myself at this time of night, staring at my computer screen. It is my fervent hope that putting my jumbled thoughts to words will help me clear my mind so that I can finally get some rest.

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